an outpouring of thought

Life is hard. Being human has to be the most difficult way to spend time on this earth. In between dealing with schedules, responsibilities, obstacles, and setbacks we are expected to look good, say the right things, and fit in with every other human being trying to do the exact same things. As if all that weren't enough to keep one busy, let's just throw some emotions and free will in the mix to really keep things interesting. Not only your own emotions and free will, but the emotions and free will of every single soul around you and in the rest of the world. To me, this sounds like a recipe for disaster. To God, this is the most beautiful thing ever created. I will never understand this Creator of mine...even still, I will never stop trying.
Why does God see this as beauty? How does he not see the chaos? How can he look past the insanity of it all straight to the heart? As a small, insignificant human looking around me I get so lost and depressed when I see the billions of people in this world. Who am I? Do I matter? Does what I do make a difference? I feel like just a number sometimes. I get so angry sometimes when I think about the simple act of being alive. I didn't choose to be born, yet I was, and now I'm forced to run this race. We all are. We are all running a race...though I see it more as a labrynth that I have to walk through, unsure of what's around the next corner. And then there's God...the all-knowing..all-seeing..all-powerful being that brought me into this place. Though he says he's with me, I don't feel him most of the time. Though he says he loves me, I can't understand why. Though he says I matter, how can I when I am just one in billions? He brought me into this world and tells me I am not of this world and that I don't belong here...yet wants me to spend X amount of years here trying to bring people to Christ so that they can realize they don't belong here eiter...this is crazy. How do you live in a place you don't belong? How do you find happiness in a place that's not your home? This is something I have not figured out yet. The only thing my small human mind can comprehend is that I'm here for a reason. That reason is bigger than me. That reason is God.