Even When It's Not Shining...

Well, here it is...2011. New year. Same people. New challenges. Same God.
The thing about new years that gets me is how people use this time as a time
to say...ok, now I'm going to change. Why? Why do people need an excuse
such as a new year to start to make a change in their lives? I'm not saying
it's a bad time to do it, I just don't see the difference in doing it on January 1st
as opposed to August 17, or June 3. I say all this to say, don't wait to change.
Don't wait to answer God's call. The only excuse you need is, "because it's what
God wants."
Ok, that's all I'm gonna say about that. The other thing I was thinking about on
this first morning of 2011 came about when I woke up this morning to watch the
first sunrise of the new year. I was so excited to sit with some hot chocolate, camera in hand, to watch a beautiful sunrise grace the fresh 2011 sky. I even woke up at 7 when I didn't go to bed til 3! Well my friends, I must say I was quite disappointed at first when after 30 minutes of waiting all I saw was the gloomy grey sky of a winter morning. Where was the sun?! Didn't God realize that it was a NEW YEAR?! An occasion worthy of a beautiful sunrise in my opinion. But no matter how long I sat there with my hot chocolate, I was not going to get my sunrise. At first this whole thing made me rather upset...I mean I woke up early for this! But then as I started praying for my upcoming year I thought about a quote I heard once and now keep on a mirror in my bedroom. It goes like this, "I believe in the sun even when it's not shining, in love even when I'm alone, and God even when he is silent." The cool thing is that
this was said by a Holocaust victim!! Needless to say, I was humbled. Do I believe in the sun even when it's not shining? Of course! Do I believe in love even when I'm alone? Well yeah! Do I truly believe in God, even when he is silent?....hmmm....this one isn't as easy to answer. Oh sure, I love God when good things are happening in my life..that's easy. But what about when a family member or friend dies? Or when I lose my job? Or when my boyfriend
breaks up with me? What about then? Does God suddenly cease to exist? Of course not, friends. Hebrews 11:1 says, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." So can I even call it "faith" if I believe in God when I can see Him working? Or is faith what we have when everything around us is saying there is no God, yet we choose to believe and trust in Him still? I think that's a little more accurate. This is a lesson
that I've heard and experienced many times, but can never be reminded of enough.
So how does all this relate to the new year? Well, the way I think of it is that even though it's a new year, I'm the same person. I'm going to make mistakes. Even though I will continually pursue perfection, I will not achieve it...not in 2011, not next year, not ever. And even though there are new challenges, I have the same God. He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. This year is going to bring blessings and tears. There will be days where
I'll be basking in the sun's rays, but there will also be others where I can't see the sun at all. The question is, what will I do with those days?
My new year's resolution is to believe in the sun, EVEN WHEN IT'S NOT SHINING.

Change.

Over the past four months I have been increasingly changing from a lukewarm Christian, to one who runs to the frontline. Since that change has been so gradual, I didn't notice how much I had changed until I came home. Home is where the old me lives. All my old habits, ways of thinking, ways I spent my time, where I went, how I talked, just how I lived...it's all at home. Not that I was a terrible person 4 months ago, I just wasn't the person God desired me to be...and honestly not the person I desired to be. So coming home has been weird for me. It's kinda like that whole trying to fit a square peg in a round hole concept. It's a tough fit. Now, I know that home will always be home, but I'm just having a hard time figuring how to be the new me in an old home. I fight the instinct to be who I was 4 months ago. I know the good I ought to do...but find it so hard to do it. Ever been there? It makes me think of Paul...his conversion was so drastic a change from his old self that I wonder if he ever fought the instinct to do the things he did before he became a Christian. I mean, his change was practically instantaneous...mine has taken place over the course of 4 months...it had to be hard for him. But it also gives me courage to see that Paul never went back to his old self. He knew who he was and why he was put on earth and he didn't let anything stop him. I know that I need to have that same attitude. I can deny it all I want...but honestly I know who I am and why I'm here...the question stands, what will I let stop me? My prayer is that I won't let anything stop me, not even my past. It's not an easy road and there's so much change that takes place along the way...every now and again we get put back into an old, familiar setting, so we can see the change in us and make it a reality in our minds. Now that I'm undeniably aware of the drastic change that has taken place in me, I can accept it, rejoice in it, and continue to move forward, never taking my eyes off of the One who I'm going to.

In the Eyes of the Creator

Have you ever read the story of Hosea? If not, it's pretty much about a man who is told by God to marry a prostitute woman. She continues to be unfaithful to Hosea throughout their entire marriage, but Hosea has to take her back every time. He buys her back off the auction block every time! God uses this to illustrate how he feels when we are unfaithful to him. His love is unconditional, but it hurts him so deeply when we prostitute ourselves. So I find myself asking, "Why do you buy me back off the auction block every time? How can you love me so much?" I guess it's how kind of like when I put my heart and soul into creating a piece of art. I think it's beautiful and perfect, but somehow it gets torn, stained, and broken. Do I just toss it in the trash? No! It's my precious creation! When I look at it I don't see the imperfections it has accumulated over time; I see it in the way I created it, perfect. I remember what it was before it was destroyed by outside forces...perfect. I am its creator, no matter how disgusting and tore up it gets, I'll still love it. I am its creator, I can fix anything that has happened to it. When I do, its as if it was never broken or stained. It is perfect. That's how it is with God. I am his perfect creation. Though beaten, stained, broken, and torn by the world, in his eyes I am beautiful and flawless because every tear, scratch, stain, and crack was fixed once and for all when he sent his son. I am truly a loved masterpiece.

Penthos---Prayer of Tears

"O Lord, do not rebuke me in your anger
or discipline me in your wrath.
Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am faint;
O Lord, heal me, for my bones are in agony.
My soul is in anguish.
How long, O Lord, how long?
I am worn out from groaning;
all night long I flood my bed with weeping
and drench my couch with tears.
My eyes grow weak with sorrow;
they fail because of all my foes."
{Psalm 6:1-3; 6-7}

I can't remember the last time I was so filled with sorrow that my bones were in agony. What is it that is putting David (the writer of this Psalm) in such anguish? And is it something that should cause me to ache with anguish since I'm a slave to Christ? ....drench my couch with tears... That's some intense sobbing. I wish I could have the convicted heart of David. His conviction was so strong that he weeped and weeped to the point of agony. So often we just look at our sin as mess-ups that can be forgiven at the utterance of a prayer. It's so much more than that! Our sin is what killed Christ!! That's something to truly cry about! David knew this and grasped it. We should be so close to the heart of God that when we sin and hurt him, we want to cry like He does.
Now, in this Psalm I think the main reason for David's tears is that he is exhausted and beaten down by persecution and is crying out to God asking, How long??!! Have you ever been persecuted so constantly and strongly that you just burst out in sobs because you don't think you can take it any longer? That's where David's at. The evil that he sees around him breaks his heart. It breaks his heart because it breaks God's heart. David was a man after God's own heart, so much so that the things that made God cry, made him cry. How awesome is that? It's like, when someone hurts your best friend...even if they didn't hurt you directly, by hurting one you love so much they are hurting you. It should be like that with us and God.
I'm reading this book right now called Prayer by Richard Foster (amazing book), and in this chapter it talks about something called Penthos...a greek word basically meaning Prayer of Tears. Penthos literally means: a broken and contrite heart, inward godly sorrow, blessed holy mourning, and deep, heartfelt compunction. There are numerous Psalms that are written in this way. As I read through more and more of them, I found myself praying for sorrow! It sounds weird. But I realized as I was reading that this convicted, broken, inward godly sorrow type of prayer is just one more way to know and draw nearer to the heart of God. I want that. I want to drench my couch in tears, tears shed for my God.

Sippin' Hot Cocoa

Ever feel like Time is speeding up and you're doing all you can to just keep up? I know I do. I feel like I'm always running at the heels of Time and it's just looking back laughing at me with a look that says, "You'll never catch up." And if you think about it, that's true. Life is a big game of "catch-up". We can't stop, slow down, or speed Time up. We can't control it in any way. Makes me feel powerless. But just because we can't control Time, doesn't mean we have to let it control us.
Don't let Time take moments away from you. It's as if we spend our lives waiting for "those moments" to come...but when they do, we just let them pass by without a second thought. We don't even realize they were even moments until days, months, or years later when ur sittin' around just sippin hot cocoa reminiscing. But then, they become nothing more than precious memories. This makes me believe that moments should be treasured as much, if not more, than memories. Memories last a lifetime and are numerous. Moments, recognized as moments, are so rare and disappear as fast as they come. People always say, "Live in the moment!" But how can we live in a moment if we can't even recognize one? Learn how to recognize a moment while its there, don't wait for it to become a memory.
I feel the need to clarify...moments aren't easy to recognize. It's not going to scream in your face to let you know its there. It simply will come. You just have to be looking for it. And its not always going to be a big event, or involve a lot of people, or any people for that matter. In fact, I've found that the moments that become fond memories are the moments when there's not a lot going on...other than life. Life, in its simplest form, creates the greatest moments. As I sit here sippin my hot cocoa, the flashes of moments that run through my mind include things like stayin up all night with one of my girls just talking til we can't hold our eyes open any longer, cranking the music up in the car while cruisin down the road with the windows down...screaming the lyrics at the top of our lungs and dancing as crazy as is possible in a car, sittin around bored out of our minds until something so little makes us laugh so hard our stomachs hurt and tears are rolling down our faces. Moments come in the little things. Don't let them pass you by.
I find with each new page I turn in my life, I look back on past pages and chapters with a sense of satisfaction, but also regret of having not made the most of every experience. So, as I press on in this book of life, I challenge myself everyday to live with no regrets. Our time on this earth is so fleeting...like grains of sand falling through our tight grasps. Don't get to the last chapter of your life without ever once recognizing a moment. Cherish the memories, but keep your eyes open for the moments. Don't let Time steal them away from you.

Stand in Awe

"So I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned, in awe of the one who gave it all. I'll stand, my soul Lord to you surrender. All I am is yours."
Ever been in awe? I mean, its not a phrase we use a lot these days. In fact, I feel like we've lessened the meaning and impact of this word by carelessly saying that something is "awesome". Seriously, we say things as pointless as a burger is "awesome". Ok, I understand its just a word and just something we say to say that something is really good...but have you ever realized that this word, "awesome", is one of the words the Bible uses to describe our God!
So, what does "awe" mean? Ok this is so cool...listen to this...awe is literally an emotion variously combining DREAD, VENERATION, and WONDER that is inspired by authority or by the sacred or sublime! How crazy cool is that? so when you say "oh that taco was awesome", you're really saying..."oh that taco brought me dread, veneration, and wonder"...doesn't seem so fitting anymore does it? That's what I'm saying! Ecclesiastes 5:7 says "Therefore stand in awe of God." I love that. So simple a command, yet we have no idea how to do that. So you ask..How? First of all, dread basically means fear...so fear God. Not a bad fear, a good fear. A reverent fear. Second of all, allow yourself to be venerated by God. This means to respect God because of his dignity, wisdom, and power. Third, well...wonder...its kind of self-explanatory. Wonder is an emotion that basically means to be inspired, surprised. Look around you...if being surrounded by God's creation isn't enough to send you into a constant state of wonder, I don't know what is. Read Job 38-41. I know that after I read this passage, I was knocked off my feet at the amazing, unfathomable greatness of my God. Job's response after all this is enough to make me laugh...he says "I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted. Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know." That, my friends, is what it means to stand in awe. When we finally come to the realization that God is God and we are not. That he runs the universe. That he knew us before we were born. That he can call each and every person on earth by name. Are you standing in awe yet? I know I am. Are you still saying that burger you had for lunch is "awesome"? I would hope not.
So, the whole point of this mumbo jumbo is to get the point across that we, as God's beautiful creations, must stand in awe of our creator. If you do this, I promise you that your eyes will be opened to a new greatness about God that you've never seen before. "Therefore stand in awe of God."

Jesus Overload

Ever been overloaded? Exhausted? Spent? I have...in fact...I am.
Mentally. Physically. Spiritually. Not quite emotionally, but I'm gettin there.
I just need a few hours where my brain is not required to be doing something.
I'm in a constant state of thinking, analyzing, adjusting, and understanding.
Stripped from all that I know, I'm forced to redefine my life. If I don't, I fail.
I'm sent away. Kicked off the island if you will. This being the consequence, I'm
constantly aware of my words, actions, and dress. Now, I'm not saying that it's
a bad thing that I'm having to mold myself and my life into a more Christ-like
image...I'm just saying, it's exhausting. I feel a little like Paul. Paul had to do an
instantaneous 180 with his life when the Lord met him on the road to Damascus.
He was yanked out of his old life, and thrown into a new...completely unfamiliar
new one. Of course, God used him to do unbelievably awesome things for the
Kingdom, so I only have good things to look forward to. But it doesn't reduce the
undeniable fact that right now, at this point in the race, I wish I could just "put my
Jesus down" for a day. That doesn't mean I want to take a day off and go emerse
myself in sin and seperate myself from God...it just means I wish I could give my
brain a rest from the constant flow of God into it. I feel like a sponge that is full-up.
So many things are just forced down my throat on a daily basis and I don't have 3
seconds to digest it all...yet I'm expected to remember and regurgitate all the
information in the form of tests, essays, and just discussion.
I've been a born-again Christian for almost 8 years now and have been to more
church services, youth rallies, and church camps than I can count...so you'd think
this would be a breeze for me. What I didn't realize before I came here was that
even though I thought I was being a 24/7 Christian, I wasn't. Now that I desire and
am somewhat required to be a 24/7 Christian...I'm overloaded. I have to take a step
back and say to God, "Father, I love you. But this is gonna take time. I can't handle
so much of your glory in this short of time. Be patient with me...I'll come around."
It is my prayer that my Savior will understand and work on my heart so that I
will be able to effectively take in and give out the love that I'm experiencing now.
I have 45 other classmates who I'm sure are feeling the same things as me, so if
nothing else...at least I'm not alone.